Joy Ride

Yesh, this is another weird dream of mine.

Last night, I saw my highschool classmate, HY in my dream.

She was walking towards a shop with her family, I noticed her from the back, so I called her name. She turned, and looked at me in puzzlement.
I could read from her eyes: Who is she? How does she know my name?

So I smiled at her and said:” It’s me! Don’t you remember me?”
She still starred at me blankly.

I was in a hurry, walking to the opposite direction, turned my head back talking to her. So I said:” Ah nevermind..” and continued to walk…
But in my mind, I was thinking: She really can’t recognize me!! I graduated for few years only!! Did I gain so much weight?! Until she failed to recognize me?! I SHOULD REALLY DIET!!!!!

That’s all I can remember.

People say dreams are a reflection of you in real life. They reflect your thoughts, your ambitions, your feelings, you subconscious, past memories, or things that you suppress deep down into your heart, things that you are afraid or worried of, sometimes, they even tell the future.

Perhaps this dream reflects the problem I have regarding my weight. I’m getting fatter and fatter, yet I’m not doing anything about it.

When all other girls go gym, I stay home watch tv, listen to cds, go online and read magazines.

When all other girls counting calories, having low carbohydrate diet, I ‘m enjoying my favourite char siew rice, beef noodles, mashed potatoes, double chess burger with fries.

When more and more fashion shows having bulimic models walking down the runway, Marie France showing Christy Chung slid her body through the few inches space between 2 cars stopping next to each other in a carpark, I’m eating chocolates, ice creams, snacks, drinking coke.

When my classmate says extra small is still too large for her, next minute complains that she’s fat, the boyfriend or sister says she’s not thin enough; another friend has gastric yet chose to skip her lunch again; another friend ignores her knee injury and continue her gym lessons everyday; another friend put her degree aside to work for money to visit slimming center…

I begin to wonder.

Is it wrong to enjoy my meal?

Is it wrong to love junkfood?

Is it wrong to stay home instead of working out in the gym?

Is it wrong to not have a 24 inches waist?

Is it wrong to not fit in most free size trendy clothes?

Is it wrong to not have slim and long legs showing off under hot pants and mini skirt?

Is it wrong to not have a “perfect figure” like slimming ads portray on tv, newspaper, magazines, billboards, internet and posters?

Yes, I begin to wonder.

If dreams do reflect real life, I guess it reflect the peer pressure I feel from all these “get-slim-or-die-trying” phenomenons, trends, fashions, people, ads and the list go on.

I used to think when healthy primary school kids telling their parents “papa mama I need to go on diet” shows what damages the media have done to the society and its definition of beauty.
Now, I think I’m the crazy one.
I keep ignoring the fact that I am fat. Yes, I am fat like a pig.
I don’t deserve to be loved because I am fat. I don’t deserve to wear any nice clothes because I am fat. I am ugly because I am fat.

See what the fuck I’m talking about?

I used to be confident.

Until I started complaining what’s wrong with all the digicams because I look so fat in photos.
Until I’m standing next to my best friend who are super slim and can wear any clothes in the world.
Until I’m walking in shopping malls full of tall, model like women with “perfect figures”.
Until I suggest to the guy who date me out that we should have a scoop of ice cream at Baskin Robbins and he said it’s fattening.
Until I was waiting for my mum in front of the Jusco supermarket and accidentally bump into HY 2 years ago who was plump during highschool but so much thinner than me now.
Until I dream of my exclassmate couldn’t recognize me because I am fat.

Now you know what the fuck I’m talking about.

and Please, don’t tell me I’m not fat. We both know it is not true.